Why Thank You Notes Work

A college visit

I want to talk a little about thank-you notes. What’s the point, how they work, and why they work.

This came up because recently, a parent asked me how to get her Autistic son to write a thank-you card after a college visit. While they were there, they happened to meet the dean of the department he wanted to apply to, who spent an hour with them that he wasn’t planning on, answering their questions and showing them around campus, and she wanted him to send him a thank-you card, but knew her son would be resistant to it, and was hoping for some tips from me.

Okay, first of all, I dislike the whole premise of “how do I get someone to do something?” But that’s a whole different topic. So I’m going to slightly rephrase the question and answer my version of it. The new question is, “I see value in thank you notes, but my son does not. Under what circumstances might he buy into the premise and send a thank you note?”

And my answer to that question is quite simply, you see the value in it, but he doesn’t. So help him see the value. Explain how they work, and what’s the point, and what the benefit is.

And yet, people who easily picked up on normative social cues as they were growing up often struggle with explaining how they work and why they matter, because they’ve never had to.

So sometimes it can be really helpful to have an Autistic adult, who’s worked through the stuff analytically for years, to explain it.

And I’ve had to work this one out for myself, because for a long time, I thought they were just a waste of time or a social construct with no appreciable value. And I hear that sentiment from time to time from other Autistics as well. I mean, why bother?

But when I did start to understand how it works, I started to get behind it. And that’s my general approach when people ask me things like this: to understand better. (If it does actually make sense. If it doesn’t, I’m inclined to ignore it.)

Anyway, I suggested to this parent to explain what effect the thank-you card is likely to have, because if her son understands why it matters, he might be interested in sending it. It won’t just be another annoying social convention.

So here’s my attempt at an explanation.

There’s basically two purposes behind thank-you notes: one of them is more relational, and the other is more practical. I’ll start with the relational one.

But in order for that to make sense, we need to briefly touch on when a thank-you note is warranted.

When to send a note

So, when do you send a thank-you note or card? Here’s some guidelines. Send a thank-you note when someone has done something for you that goes a fair amount beyond what they would normally be expected to, or that involved extra thought and care for you.

Maybe they gave you information, the benefit of their experience, or perspective, helped you make a decision, showed you what the options were. Maybe they gave you their consideration, like in a job interview.

Maybe they helped you with something practical, like showing you how to do something, or taking care of something for you so that you didn’t have to do it.

Maybe they gave you something, a gift, or time, or attention, when they didn’t need to. Maybe it was a gift that showed that they cared about you enough to think through what you might actually like, as opposed to just picking up something random or generic.

In all those situations, someone has invested time, thought, and effort into doing something that is more for your benefit than for theirs.

In the case of the dean at the college, he wasn’t planning on meeting with the prospective student and parent that day. They just chanced upon each other in the halls. He surely had other things that he was planning on doing, or could have done with the time that he spent with them. And he had no particular reason to believe that this one kid would be accepted to his school, and no reason to invest in him in particular. But he chose to do all of that with no appreciable personal benefit. It was all for the sake of the kid and his parent that he ran into.

And that’s what brings me to the relational purpose of thank-you notes.

The relational purpose

This extra effort benefits you in some way; whether that’s with time, information, consideration, maybe it helped you make a decision, or changed something in your life; sometimes in small ways, sometimes much larger ways. And that cause-effect for you is a closed loop. You know what happened. The person who helped you, however, doesn’t. Their information loop is still open. They don’t know how it impacted you, or if it did at all.

And most humans like to know that what they do for someone else has a positive effect. So when you write a thank-you note, you’re filling in the information gap for them, by relaying how it impacted you; that you made some decision based upon what you talked about, or your perspective shifted, or it helped you in some way, or gave you pleasure.

And so for them, it closes the information loop. They get to see the effect of their actions, know that it was worth their time because it made a difference. People are highly motivated by being able to make a difference.

There are a lot of studies around rewards in the workplace, looking at what motivates employees, and they consistently show that feeling like you’re doing something meaningful, and are making a difference in the world, is more motivating than anything else, even money (at least once you have at least enough money to meet your basic needs). People want to know that they’re making a difference. So when you write a thank-you note, you’re cluing them in to what difference their time, attention, or effort made. And for most people on the receiving end of that, that feels really good.

The practical purpose

The second purpose of a thank-you note comes into play in situations where your interaction was with someone of influence, authority, decision making ability, or mentorship, especially when you might at some point want to continue your relationship with them. For example, in job interviews, or with the dean of the college where the boy might be applying, when someone with more experience lets you pick their brain, for example.

In these types of situations, reading a thank-you note brings up the positive feelings that arise when they get their information loop closed and know that they made some kind of positive impact, and those feelings get transferred to their general feelings about you, which reinforces you in their memory and links you with those positive associations. Because memories are more easily encoded when linked to emotions, this reinforces you in their memory.

Later, when they have reason to think about you, like when deciding which job applicant to pick, or reviewing your college application, or thinking about which people in their field to offer some kind of opportunity to, they will recall you more easily, along with those positive associations, whether or not they remember the thank-you card specifically.

When they’re actually making the selection of who to pick for the job, school, opportunity, whatever, that memory anchor and positive feelings will give you a marginally better chance. It’s probably not enough to get the job if you didn’t have the qualifications, or if they didn’t like you for other reasons. But it gives it a small boost. And sometimes that small boost is just enough to sway it in your favor. 

And then when you start the job, for instance, those mild positive associations are going to carry over into how they interact with you. It sets the stage for a slightly better chance of having good relationships with people. And frankly, I’ll take any little boost that I can get.

In the case of the college admissions, it might be months later when they’re getting your application. So if you mention somewhere in your application how much you enjoyed the conversation you had the day the dean was showing you around, it will help them remember both the visit and the thank-you note; which will further strengthen that association. In fact, they’re likely to recall the feelings more than the facts of the event. They might forget what you talked about, but they’ll remember the feelings associated with you, from that day and the note.

Writing a good thank-you note

Let’s talk about writing a good thank you note.

So, how do you do that? It doesn’t have to be long and flowery. 

The basic formula is to address the person, remind them of the situation, or gift, or whatever it is you’re thanking them for, describe briefly what positive effect it had on you, and then end with an expression of thanks or appreciation.

Some version of the words “thank you” really do matter. Personally, I often say “I really appreciate it.” Yes, it is a social convention, but getting some form of thanks feels really good to most people. And in this context, expressing thanks is basically a recognition that the positive effect of what they did for you is something that you would rather have in your life than not. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than that.

Do you need to send a card?

No, not always. It could be a quick email, a text, or a card, depending on the occasion. A thank you in words is still very much appreciated when someone does more than usual to help you out.

Situations where that practical purpose comes into play more often warrant a card, or a letter, or some kind of dedicated note, more than, or in addition to, a quick thank you by digital message or in words at the time of the original interaction.

Also, the social convention is to send a physical card after receiving a gift, especially if the gift is worth a lot (either in money or effort), or if it comes by mail, or is part of a formal occasion like a wedding.

To recap

Thank-you notes close the information loop for the other person, they create positive associations with memories of you, help strengthen that recall, give you a slight edge for opportunities, and set you up for a good start to working together in the future.

By the way, I’m not immune to this. I appreciate feedback in the comments, as well as the occasional tip (there’s a thank you button in YouTube, I think it’s called Super Thanks, where you can leave a small tip for me). Both of those let me know that the info that I put out into the world is making a difference. It closes the loop so that I know I’m not just speaking to the void. And the occasional monetary contribution has the practical purpose of helping fund me so that I can continue doing this work. These videos take a surprising amount of time and effort to make, even though I’m not doing the fancy stuff.

Alright, I hope that this explains a little bit about how thank-you notes work, as well as I understand them at this point.

I hope you have a neurowonderful day.