My weird experience
I’ve been having this weird experience lately of alternating quickly between feeling overwhelmed by all the things that I want to do and the plans that I have, and like I’ve got things handled and my plans are good and I can deal with all the stuff.
I’m no stranger to existing in dichotomies of both, and it’s a familiar part of the healing and growth that I’ve been going through since I figured out eight years ago that I’m Autistic. It’s uncomfortable, but I’ve been through this enough that I’m able to trust the process, and know that it will resolve, and that I’ll feel much better soon.
I try to keep in mind that what is happening is that part of my brain and thinking are clinging to all the ways of thinking that no longer serve me, and which I’m gradually letting go of, but letting go of them feels a little bit like dying, and they’re hanging on for dear life.
There are also parts of my brain and thinking that are being birthed and growing and thriving, and are starting to take over my functioning (in a good way), but they’re still gaining strength and testing out their wings, as it were, and don’t always have the upper hand.
This process, while uncomfortable, is me becoming who I will be. And I like who I’m becoming.
This reminds me of a phrase that I clung to in the first few years post-identification: “I am in formation.” This process, while uncomfortable, is me becoming who I will be. And I like who I’m becoming.
Right now this involves working through the practicalities of things like trusting another person to help me in my business, and putting out e-books, and learning about taxes, and what feels like 1,000 other minutia and details, and sometimes I’m overwhelmed, and sometimes I’m hopeful and excited and getting all the things done, but either way, I know that I’m going to be OK.
Because the truth is that I can handle it. And if it takes longer than I would like to get it all sorted and figured out, it’s OK. It’s going to be OK.
I wanted to share this with you because I don’t think I’m alone in this. The individual circumstances of what you’re dealing with right now are probably different than my particular circumstances, but the experience of the old way of thinking and the new way of thinking vying for the upper hand, and flipping between the two frequently, I’m wondering if you can relate to that?
If so, you’re not alone. This is a part of the process. If you stick with it, stay in the process, keep sorting out what you need to sort out. It will get better.
Wishing you a neurowonderful day.
